Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
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If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I won't apologize to a one balled man
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
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If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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