Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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