I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Randomize
