So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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