I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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