enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
