I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
