Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
