Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The air was thick with penises
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
