I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
