I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
