I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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