I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
