sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
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I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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