im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
