Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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