dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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