I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just googled if crying burns calories
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
