why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Randomize
