I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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