Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
