i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
