I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
