I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
