She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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