take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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