If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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