Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
