If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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