hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
