I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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