Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
