I'm gonna have a badass scar
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
