my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
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I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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