Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
