Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
