I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
