Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Boobs are out for the taking
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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