peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she looked like the before picture.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize