i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
