I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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