so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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