can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
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