The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize