just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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