his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
