its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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