I think I won the penis lottery.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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