So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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