maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
