I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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