Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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