i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
