Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
