the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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