On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
