I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
