if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
