Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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