its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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