just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
