I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
