You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
