So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
