i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
