I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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