i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
